Untitled

Entering our collective #LoveandLightEra

This blog is an immersive experience that will provide context to the documentary I started filming in 2022.

This film follows the grief journey of me and my five siblings mourning the unexpected loss of our parents, while I grapple with managing ongoing mental health symptoms like depression, ADHD and anxiety and learn how to navigate somatic triggers.

Over the last few years, I have been slowly healing the trauma of losing both my parents on the day I officially entered adulthood. My dad had an unexpected stroke on my 18th birthday, and three years later my mom died of a heart-related condition. Up until that point, my life had been pretty trauma-free and chill. I was in the midst of a heavy rebellious period which only got worse after losing my central support system. 

Fast forward to me in adulthood, I began to recognize how these significant events shaped my brain, body and behaviors exhibited today. I have also bore witness to how Black women are treated significantly differently in real-life, historically and in the media when it comes to being allowed the space and time to heal from trauma. 

Mental health is still extremely stigmatized, and it’s my hope to normalize and create a new narrative around what exactly a non-linear path to recovering from traumatic events could look like.

I’ve been documenting my treatments and triggers since starting talk therapy in 2019, and going back on antidepressants. And I have filmed countless hours of vignettes from my life and experiences, along with diaries, essays, and audio recording to support the details of the stories shared. 

Somewhere along the way, Black people, especially Black women, have been portrayed as impenetrable. The trope of the “Strong Black Women” permates into every intersection of my life and when Im not welcoming any and everyone to my physical and emotional labor, that trope quickly converts to being deemed as an “Angry Black Woman”. During this quest for healing, I have identified that a large part of my exhaustion can be attributed to this entitlement from other. , I discerned that I was long overdue to establish and maintain boundaries. 

But when I finally figured out that explicit boundaries could be a potential solution to constant fatigue, I realized I had no idea how to do this and vaguely understood what a boundary was. 

In addition, I've had to build self-worth and self-esteem. Not having those things makes maintaining boundaries a lot more difficult. 

I relied on my ex-husband in a severely codependent way and when he left the void was so deep because not only did it trigger my abandonment wound, but I had completely lost all self-esteem and purpose outside of caretaking and belonging to him. 

I have been trying this since 2021, while I was just scratching the surface of how to process and heal from C-PTSD and trauma in a healthy way. Not knowing what was on the other side of recovery, the thought of sharing any and all intense emotions I had written down made me so anxious I could barf. But then I began learning how to tell stories in a visual way and decided filming may help me articulate and process the hard feelings better. 

I was so scared of failing at being cured from crazy that although I continued to write and reflect to monitor any progress, I was never able to hit the send button until now. 

It was the trip home to revisit my trauma with my siblings and film interviews that tell their individual stories of how their healing or (not healing) from our shared trauma of unexpected deaths of our parents. 

This trip forced me to confront where the fundamental beginnings of all the negative narratives I had about myself started. And the biggest revelation came with realizing that I had a choice not to continue accepting all these bad things I had conditioned myself to believe. 

What I couldn't find when I was starting this process were resources telling me how to get started or what it was like along the way of a healing journey. And because of this I have searched high and low searching for communication tools, bodywork modalities, eastern medicine, etc. I can try to chip further away at my shadow self. At least it wasn't for me. 

Now that I am finally approaching a good place I still have a lot further to go but will share mental health triumphs and setbacks in real-time, but not necessarily in a linear timeframe. 

For example, the thoughts that occur in a triggered state are NOT the same thoughts that happen for me when I am in a grounded place. But for me writing is one of the best methods Ive discovered that can regulate my system. So during this journey I will write through the triggered feelings and revisit where I am on whatever this issue is when I feel regulated again. 

I will also begin the editing process of this documentary in post-production and share the creative direction and decision making of the process and behind the scenes stuff. 

When I share these experiences I will include the tools I used to get to a grounded place and research other methods that may resonate more to allow representation of varying approaches to managing thriving mental health. And maybe save you the time and money if you read about something that you already know wont be your jam based on my description. 

The end product will hopefully be a documentary and this accompanying text platform. 

In addition, I plan to include a few other side topics like vintage, celebrities, witchcraft, memes and local news. But the central goal is currently to transmute my traumatic experiences and struggles into a guiding light for folks who feel lost and hopeless, or to maybe inspire folks who just don't want to feel like shit anymore by recommending wellness resources, thoughts, interviews and research (including podcasts, books, personal reporting, and existing media). 

An immersive exploration of Joy, Love and Grief at the intersection of Mental Health. Witness the transmutation of my traumatic experiences and struggles into a guiding light for folks who feel lost and hopeless, or for anyone who just don't want to feel like shit anymore.  Sharing a curation of personal wellness resources, thoughts, interviews and research (including podcasts, books, personal reporting, and existing media).